2024年3月17日发(作者：)

她能机智地读懂他的唇语

she can lip-read him brilliantly.

尽管我一直好奇她觉得他在说什么

Which makes me wonder what she thinks he's saying all the time.

因为就我而言 看起来就像

Because, to me, it just

"在楼梯上

"...up the stairs,

其实他是被捉弄了

and he's been fooled, really.

他甚至都不知道

And he didn't even know.

你知道我的两个朋友现在在干什么吗

You know, what two, two of my friends are doing right now?

我觉得这家餐馆菜不错"

I'd say this one is a good restaurant."

他告诉我她姐姐直觉相当准

He tells me his sister is so instinctive.

她是如何聪慧地读懂大家的话

How she can read people brilliantly.

她甚至可能读懂我

How she'd be able to read me.

他玩得很开心

He's having an excellent time.

哈利的直觉准得惊人

Harry has terrible instincts.

有一次

Once.

我觉得这可能是他有史以来最准的一次了

I think this might be the best thing he's ever done.

一次他在餐馆里 他很害羞

Once, he was in a restaurant, he's quite shy, really.

他在餐馆里

He was in a restaurant,

前一天晚上我们在外面玩得很嗨

having had a filthy night out with me the night before.

第二天 他酒还没醒

I mean, the man was hanging.

就去和一些重要的网站工作人员共进午餐

And he was having lunch with these really important website bots.

他突然 来了感觉

When, suddenly, it hit him.

第一道菜上了一会儿

Halfway through the starter,

"是的

"Yeah.

是的 他感觉想吐

Yeah, he was gonna be sick.

是的 就是现在"

Yeah, like now."

所以他提前走了

So he excused himself.

哈利风风火火地闯进厕所 却发现

And Harry walks to the loo, only to burst in to discover

隔间都锁着 小便池也都被占了

that all the cubicles were locked and all the urinals were taken

可这位君子不能让自己吐在洗手池里

and he couldn't bring himself to spew in one of the sinks.

他急眼了 一脚踹开了一间隔间的门

So, in a panic, he kicked down one of the cubicle doors,

里面有个男人在拉屎

revealing a man having a shit.

"恶心心"

"Ugh!"

然后 嘣得一声

And then, boom!

他全吐了

It just all came out.

吐了拉屎男一身

He puked all over this guy.

拉屎男的脸上 胸上 蛋蛋上

His face, his chest, his balls,

脚上 墙上

his feet, on the walls.

都湿透了

Drenched him.

然后 最精彩的来了

But then, and this is the best bit.

发完疯后 哈利的脑子清醒了

In the frenzy of it all, Harry rationalized,

"天呐 我吐了这人一身

"Oh, god, I just puked on this guy,

他要揍我了"

He's gonna punch me."

所以他一拳打在拉屎男脸上

So he smacked him in the face!

简直妙不可言

Isn't it beautiful?

更好笑的是

It was particularly good

他给我和波宝讲的时候 还不觉得

'cause when he first told me and Boo, he didn'

"这事好笑吗"

"It was a funny story?"

这事再也没法讲得那么好笑了

It will never be heard like that again.

"这事很严肃"

"It was such a serious story."

他很羞愧

And he was mortified.

波宝超爱厕所趣事

Boo loved poo stories.

而这趣事又是百年难得一见

So she couldn't actually deal with the glory of this one.

那时候她震惊到目瞪口呆

She just stared open-mouthed,

因为太开心而无法动弹

paralyzed with joy, as he told it.

几周前的一天

A few weeks ago,

哈利以为我在睡觉

when Harry thought I was sleeping,

他翻过身 抚摸我的头发 轻声说

he rolled over, stroked my hair, and whispered,

"你去哪了"

"Where have you gone?"

"你去哪了"

"Where have you gone?"

他以为我装着听不见

He thinks I'm neglecting him.

但当你的心

But when your

要是他只是操♥我♥就好了

I wish he'd just fuck me.

可他是想做♥爱♥

All he wants to do is make love.

简直在消磨我的耐心

He's wasting me.

我睡过一个男的 每插一次就会喊一声

I was once fucking this guy who would breathe with every thrust.

"你好年轻"

"You're so young!"

"你好年轻"

"You're so young!"

我全靠那个手♥淫♥了

I masturbate about that all the time.

最近我经常手♥淫♥

I masturbate a lot these days.

特别是无聊

Especially when I'm bored.

愤怒

Or angry.

或者沮丧

Or upset.

开心的时候

Or happy.

末班地铁

Last tube.

我试着亲地铁上那个啮齿先生

Attempting to kiss tube rodent,

结果变成了射击练习

but it's like target practice

射击目标很小 而且会移♥动♥

with a very small moving target.

我问他想不想去我家

I asked him if he wants to come back to mine,

他说他明天要上班

he said he's got work tomorrow.

我说那我可以去他家

I say I can go back to his.

他说他上班很早

He said it's an early start.

我说早上我给他打车去上班

I tell him I'll get him a cab to work in the morning.

他说"别逗了"

He says, "That's ridiculous."

我说"你♥他♥妈♥什么毛病"

I say, "What the fuck is your problem?"

他说"没毛病"

He says, "Nothing."

他只是不想整一♥夜♥情♥ 不急

He just wants to see me again, not rush.

我喊他傻♥逼♥ 他说他

I tell him he's a prick. He says

"没懂发生了什么"

"Not sure what's going on."

然后我说他简直是男人的耻辱

I tell him he's a pathetic excuse for a man,

然后在护栏那甩了他

and I leave him at the barriers, ha!

然而这有点怪怪的 因为我们还得

It's a bit weird, then, because we both

坐同一个扶梯下去

have to come down the same escalator.

我扭着屁♥股♥

I push my bum out a bit.

好让他饱饱眼福

Give him some perspective.

去站台的时候我转身一看

I turn around when I get to the platform,

他走了

he's gone.

站台末尾

The end of the platform,

有个女孩坐在长椅上

sat on this sort of bench thing,

我还没见过谁能醉成这样

is the drunkest girl I have ever seen.

她的头垂着

Head rolled forward.

奶♥子♥露着

Tit hanging out.

包散着

Bag sprawled.

穿得不错 长得一般

Nicely dressed. Normal-looking girl

显然那晚上玩嗨了

who clearly just had one hell of a night.

末班地铁来了

Last tube rolls in.

她没动

She doesn't move.

我把她摇醒

I nudge her awake.

她站起来 跌跌撞撞地上了车

She gets up, only to stumble on to the carriage,

一屁♥股♥又坐下了

slump into another seat,

头还是垂着

head still rolling.

另一只奶♥子♥也露出来了

Other tit folded out now.

包缠在脚上

Bag tangled in her feet.

我问她要在哪下车

I asked her where she needs to get off.

她说

And

"滑铁卢"

"Waterloo."

很好 我也是 我帮她下了车

Great. My stop. I help her off.

问她然后要去哪 她说

I ask her where she needs to get to next. And

"伦敦桥"

"London Bridge."

"好吧"

"Okay."

"然后去肯特"

"And then, Kent."

没有地铁了 所以我们坐了

The tubes are finished. So we found

地上铁 去伦敦桥

an overground to London Bridge.

我们走路的时候 她摔了个狗啃泥

At one point, we're walking, she just falls flat on her face.

我把她扶起来 好继续走

Get her up, keep going.

还尽量让她不停地说话

Try and keep her talking.

她的头晃来晃去的

Her head's going all over the place.

大约45分钟后

After about

四十五

Forty-five.

我们上了一座扶梯

We're on an escalator.

周围很安静

There's a bit of a lull.

她转向我说

And she turns to me and she says,

"你真是个好男人"

"You're such a lovely man."

地上铁来了 但我没让她走

Her train pulls in, but I don't let go of her.

我问她愿不愿意

I asked her if she'd rather spend

和我共度良宵 她说

the night with me, and she says,

"想什么呢 死鬼

"How dare you, naughty boy!

不行"

No!"

所以我推她上了车 她走了

So I push her on the carriage and she's gone.

我边离开车站边想"还能干什么呢"

I leave the station thinking, "What's one more?"

然后我就去了个酒吧

I go to a bar.

它是个"商务"酒吧

It's a "business" bar.

人们都在那做"生意"

People are doing "business."

我大喝特喝 装成在"做生意"的样子

I drink a lot and pretend that I'm in business.

一个汗津津的秃男从吧台后面

A bald, sweaty man cups my vagina

摸了我的阴♥道♥

from behind at the bar.

但他请了我一杯酒 所以

But he buys me a drink, so...

他人还不错 其实

He's nice, actually.

没多久他就不见了

After a while, he disappears.

商务酒吧也关门了

And the business bar closes.

因为商务原因

Closed for business.

关门大吉

Shutting up shop.

以前咖啡馆打烊的时候波宝总是这样说

That's what Boo used to say whenever she closed the cafe.

"关门大吉"

"Shutting up shop!"

像喝醉了一样

Like she was drunk.

我俩经常喝醉

Which we often were.

我们抬起头 灌下一瓶酒

We'd look up, sink a bottle of wine.

她弹尤克里里

She'd play the ukulele

我们一连几小时地编淫♥荡♥的歌♥

and we'd make up filthy songs for hours.

♪ 再来次午休 ♪

♪ Another lunch break ♪

♪ 再来次堕胎 ♪

♪ Another abortion ♪

♪ 再来块蛋糕 ♪

♪ Another piece of cake ♪

♪ 再他妈抽2支20支烟 ♪

♪ Another 2 fuckin' 20 cigarettes ♪

♪ 我们很快乐 ♪

♪ And we're happy ♪

♪ 我们超快乐 ♪

♪ We're so happy ♪

♪ 我们是现代女性 ♪

♪ To be modern women ♪

突然 我到了一扇熟悉的门前

Suddenly, I'm at a familiar doorstep.

我一遍又一遍地按门铃

I ring the bell and ring the bell,

不停地捶门 像山羊一样大喊

and hammer on the door, and yell like a goat.

这应该

This should be

还挺丢人的吧

a humiliating experience.

半夜三更对着别人的信箱嚎叫

Howling through a man's letterbox in the middle of the night,

但我没停

but I am rolling with it.

有灯亮了

A light goes on.

我看着他的黑影费力地走下楼梯

I see his silhouette as he trudges down the stairs.

他一定也认出了我在门口的影子

He must have recognized mine through the door

因为他的动作突然变了

because his body language changes suddenly.

他慢吞吞地打开门闩

He slowly unhooks the latch.

开了门

Opens the door.

他看起来状态很差

He looks like shit.

我用手

I place

盖住他的脸

right over

推了一下

and I push it a bit.

我突然发现 我从没想过

Strikes me as something I never

自己会对父母做这种事 但

thought I'd do to a parent, but, uh...

当时感觉还不错

Feels right at the time.

他站在门口

He stands in the doorway.

穿着平角裤和短袖

Boxer shorts, T-shirt.

我能看到他小咪♥咪♥的轮廓

I can see the shape of his little man boobs.

"哈喽 老爸"

"All right, Dad."

"出什么事了"

"Um, what's going on?"

"不 不 我好得很"

"Oh, no, no! I'm absolutely fine."

"好吧"

"Okay."

"我只是

"I just, uh...

我只是"

"

"怎么了"

"Yeah?"

"没什么

"Nothing.

我甚至没有

I didn't even, um...

基佬

Ooh, gay.

我只是

I just, uh...

非礼勿视

Ooh, sorry.

我还是

I'

去他妈的 我有种可怕的感觉

Oh, fuck it. I have a horrible feeling

我感觉我是个

that I'm a

贪婪 变♥态♥ 自私 冷漠

greedy, perverted, selfish, apathetic,

愤世嫉俗 堕落

cynical, depraved,

长得像男人的缺德女人

mannish looking, morally bankrupt woman

我甚至不算个女权主义者"

who can't even call herself a feminist."

他只是看着我

He just looks at me.

"好吧

"Well, uh...

这都是你妈遗传给你的"

You get all that from your mother."

"说得好"

"Good one."

不知道他会不会被我吸引

I wonder if he'd find me attractive

如果我不是他女儿的话

if I wasn't his daughter.

"如果你在网上看到我

"If you saw me on

你会点击我吗"

would you click on me?"

"我给你叫辆车吧亲爱的"

"I'm gonna call you a cab, darling."

叫车的时候他让我在客厅等

He lets me wait in his living room as he calls me a cab.

我都能听到我的教母就在楼梯顶上

I could hear my godmother trying

尽管她努力不弄出动静

to be quiet at the top of the stairs.

车来了以后

When the cab comes,

他温柔地送我上车

he gently puts me into it,

给了我20镑

gives me 20 quid.

我坐上出租了

I'm in a cab.

我哪儿都能去

I can go anywhere.

于是我让司机送我去

So I tell him to take

我公♥寓♥

my flat.

路上我就开始琢磨找点啥片看看了

Already thinking about what I'm gonna look up.

回到公♥寓♥后

Back at the flat,

我打开电视 哭了一会儿

I turn on the TV and cry for a bit.

我想起了那个叫莉莉的姑娘

I started thinking about this girl called Lily

从前我们喝醉时 我常常揩她的油

I used to touch a bit when we were drunk.

这事哈利不知道 不过姑娘不算犯规

Harry didn't know, but girls don't count.

我给她发了短♥信♥ 她好像离我挺近

I text her. She was quite close, I think.

突然间 我已经登上了P站

Suddenly, I'm on Pornhub,

看得我欲♥火♥纵身 可就是尽兴不了

wet as a beach towel, but I can't get there

因为那女♥优♥屁♥股♥上长了一堆斑

'cause the girl's got spots on her ass.

有些人工作真是一点不用心

Some of them just don't make the effort.

莉莉也没回我消息

Nothing back from Lily.

我又想起了去年夏天在音乐节上认识的

I start thinking about this ginger guy

那个红发男

I met at the festival last summer.

那是波宝死后大约一个月的事

It was about a month after Boo had died.

我磕了片药 闯入了林子里

I had taken a pill and flown off into the woods.

我拼命想甩掉哈利

I was desperate to get away from Harry.

他歇斯底里地抱紧我

He started to relentlessly hug me,

和我说他有多么爱我

telling me how much he loved me,

问我有多爱他

asking how much I loved him,

问我是否安好

and checking if I was okay.

树林里有个狂欢趴

There was a rave in the woods.

我很慌 时不时地抓耳挠腮

And I was panicking and, and I'm touching my face a lot.

突然间 他出现了

And, suddenly, he was there.

那个红发男

Ginger guy.

他说我可以跟他走

He told me that I could follow him

他会送我回我的帐篷

and he would take me back to my tent.

我们走了好久

We were walking for ages.

他抓着我的手腕

He was holding me by my wrist.

天很黑

It was very dark.

我不知道我们在哪儿

I couldn't work out where we were.

某一刻 他甚至把我抱起来了

At one point, he even picked me up,

他紧紧抱着我的腿

he was holding my legs really tightly,

他说我太虚弱了 走不了路

said that I was too weak to walk

让我相信他

and I had to trust him.

终于 我们停下了

Eventually, we stopped.

我感觉到他把我躺着放进了帐篷里

I felt him lying me down on my back in a tent.

然后他

And

他

He...

他给我盖了个外套

He put a cover over me

又在我胳膊边上放了瓶水

and a bottle of water next to my arm

然后一直坐在外面 直到我睡着

and he sat outside till I fell asleep.

尽管他明明有机会咸猪手我一下

Though he could have at least tried to touch me up a bit.

这事我永远不能释怀

I never quite let that go.

我给他发了短♥信♥ 告诉他我单身又饥渴

I text him, tell him I'm single and horny.

他说他出来了 20分钟后到

He says he's out and can be here in 20 minutes.

赞 我猛灌半瓶酒

Great. Quickly drink half bottle of wine,

冲个澡 剃个毛 收拾干净

get in the shower, shave everything.

我想再升级一下我的配置

Decide I'm gonna up my game a little bit,

就找出《省亲记》里那一套

pull out some Asian provocateur business,

片中土著都衣着暴露

吊袜腰带之类的 一整身

suspender belt, the whole bit,

给他开门 "你好"

open the door to him, "Hello."

我们马上进入战斗

We get to it immediately.

几个常规姿势后

After some pretty standard bouncing,

我察觉到他缓缓向我的菊花靠近

I realize he's edging towards my asshole.

不过我喝多了 况且他之前帮过我

But I'm drunk and I owe him a thank you

我还欠他句谢谢 于是

for being nice to me at the festival, so...

我默许了

I let him.

他乐疯了

He's thrilled.

第二天早晨

The next morning,

我醒来发现

I wake to

他坐在床上

sitting on the bed,

穿戴整齐

fully dressed,

盯着我

gazing at me.

他说昨晚真是无与伦比的美妙

He tells me that last night was incredible.

我觉得有点言过其实了

Which I think was an overstatement.

但他接着说 昨晚对他尤为特别

But he goes on to say, it was particularly special

因为他从来就没有

'cause he's never actually

和任何人

...up the bum

真正肛♥交♥过

with anyone before.

说句公道话 他的老二确实很大

To be fair, he does have a large penis.

尽管他一直梦想着这一刻

And even though it's always been a fancy of his,

却从没找到过帮他圆梦的人

he's never found anyone he can do it with.

他轻抚着我的头发

He touches my hair.

很诚挚地感谢了我

And thanks me with a genuine earnest.

我多少有点小感动

It's sort of moving.

他温柔地吻了我

Then he kisses me gently.

我回吻了他

I kiss him back.

然后他离开了

And then he leaves.

我之后的一整天都在思考

And I spend the rest of the

"难道我菊花超级松吗"

"Do I have a massive asshole?"

都10点55了

It's five to eleven at the cafe,

我还坐在咖啡馆里瞎琢磨

I'm still thinking about it.

没有我姐的消息

Haven't heard from my sister.

也没收到她的转账

No transfer yet.

我怀疑马丁是不是把她杀了

I wonder if Martin's murdered her

现在正在满城市游走 搜寻我的踪迹

and is now stalking the city, looking for me.

门砰地一声开了

The door smashes open.

来者是乔

Joe.

"甜豆 你好啊"

"Hello, sweet pea!"

就他身体而言 他的腿太长了

His legs are too long for his body.

"看看这好东西"

"Look at this beauty!"

他举起把尤克里里

He holds up a ukulele

显然是昨晚谁在酒吧给他的

that apparently someone gave him in a pub last night.

就给了他个尤克里里

Just gave him a ukulele.

他说他写了首歌♥

He says he's written a song.

"我不想听"

"I don't wanna hear it."

他又拿起另一把尤克里里

He holds up another ukulele

显然是另一个人

that, apparently,

在另一个酒吧给他的

gave him in another pub.

"生活与你交流的方式总是猝不及防"

"Crazy how the world speaks to you all at once, eh?"

他说他要唱给我听

He says he's gonna sing his song to me.

然后再教我唱

Then he's gonna teach it to me.

这样我们都能唱给希拉里听了

So we can both sing it to Hillary.

我说我太忙

I tell him I'm too busy

然后就在吧台后坐着 直到听见他走了

and sit out the back till I hear him leave.

他弹了几下琴 不过

He tinkles a bit,

我没听见他唱歌♥

I don't hear him sing.

那时候小学生们常光顾咖啡馆

Schoolkids used to come into the cafe.

大多是为了看希拉里

Mainly because of Hillary.

主要是 我不会挑礼物

Basically, I'm shit at presents,

两年前波宝过生日

and for Boo's birthday two years ago,

我手忙脚乱地给她买♥♥了只豚鼠

I panicked and bought her a guinea pig.

她给豚鼠起名希拉里

She called it Hillary.

现在全成我的事了

And now, I'm stuck with it.

我对豚鼠完全无感 觉得它们毫无意义

I didn't feel anything about guinea pigs. They're pointless.

可波宝却对希拉里这个礼物郑重相待

But Boo took Hillary very seriously as a gift,

很快 所有事都和豚鼠扯上关系了

and soon, everything became guinea pig related.

我觉得她只是很庆幸

I think she was just relieved

终于有只别的动物和她有关了

to have another animal associated with her.

波宝大概五岁时

When Boo was about five,

有一次她很傻很天真地说了句

she mentioned, on a childish whim,

她喜欢猫头鹰

...liked owls.

结果她一辈子都摆脱不了

For the rest of her life,

和猫头鹰有关的礼物

she got owls.

猫头鹰被套

Owl duvet covers.

猫头鹰钢笔

Owl pens.

关于猫头鹰的书 猫头鹰庇护所之旅

Books about owls. Trips to owl sanctuary.

妈的她恨死猫头鹰了

She fucking hated owls.

跟她提一句猫头鹰 她立刻炸毛

Show her an owl, and she would lose her shit.

而她真正喜欢的 我很清楚

What she really liked, and I

是螺丝刀

was screwdrivers.

她喜欢得不得了

Just crazy about them.

我们会花上好几个小时卸东西

We'd spend hours unscrewing things.

再把它们拧回去

Screwing them back on.

一直到十岁

She slept with screwdrivers under her pillow

她都枕着螺丝刀睡觉

till she was about ten.

现在想想

Come to think of it,

送个螺丝刀比送个豚鼠

a screwdriver would have been a better present

强多了

guinea pig.

中午了

Midday.

还是没我姐的消息

Still nothing from my sister.

马丁要恨死我了

Martin's gonna hate me.

我想象着他那苏格兰大脑瓜

I picture his massive Scottish head.

但愿他没把她打得屁滚尿流吧

Hope he hasn't beaten the shit out of her or anything.

才不会 他做不出这么性感的事

Nah, he'd never do anything as sexy as that.

开玩笑的

I'm joking.

老天

Jesus.

好吧

Okay.

希拉里又肥又黄 还有点小卷毛

Hillary is fat and ginger with frizzy bits.

就像安妮 那个孤儿一样

Like Annie, the orphan.

如果她能长大长肥长成一只豚鼠

If she was grown up and fat and a guinea pig, which, uh...

好吧 谁知道她后来怎么样了

Well, who knows what became of her.

她头上有撮蓬蓬的毛

She's got this sort of punky bit of fur

像是从脑袋顶上炸出来似的

that explodes off the crown of her head

垂到脸上遮住眼睛

and falls down over her eyes.

让她看起来拽拽的

Makes her look pretty badass.

她总是板着个脸

She has a very straight expression.

波宝总说如果希拉里是乐队一员

Boo always said that if Hillary was in a band,

那她一定会是超级认真的吉他手

she'd be the guitarist that takes the music really seriously.

她对待音乐确实很认真

She did take music seriously, actually.

每次波宝在咖啡馆里放音乐 她就会

Whenever Boo played anything in the cafe, she'd

♪ 从不对你偏袒 ♪

♪ Never took your side ♪

♪ 从不把你诅咒 ♪

♪ Never cursed your name ♪

♪ 我一言不发 ♪

♪ I keep my lips shut tight ♪

♪ 直到你离开 ♪

♪ Until you go-o-o-o-o-oh ♪

她还是鬼鬼祟祟的

She's also a sneaky little shit.

她知道怎么开笼子门

She knows how to open her hutch door.

我见她开过

I have seen her do it.

她慢慢把小木塞推到刚好掉下来

She pushes the little wood stopper till it just drops out.

门就渐渐开了

And the door swings open.

之后她变身冰棍鼠

Then she freezes.

好像什么都没有发生

Like she hasn't done anything.

然后 她转过身来

And then, she actually turns herself around

矮下身子爬到柜台上

and lowers herself down onto the counter,

倒腾着小腿儿

little legs kicking,

不时回头看看 仔细观望

looking over her shoulder occasionally, checking.

观望

Checking.

她一激动就会拉出泡小屎

She often does a little poo in the excitement.

到了柜台上后

Then, once landed,

她开始匍匐前进

she creeps.

沿着柜台

All the way along the counter

一路爬到窗户

till she gets to the window.

然后 来到窗边之后

And then, when she gets there,

带着对自♥由♥的狂热

in her frenzy of freedom,

她坐下来

she sits down.

向外望去

And she looks out.

观察这个世界

Watching the world.

如果她是想让我觉得

If she wants me to think

她表现得很有深度 很有意境的话

that she's really profound and poetic doing that,

那我真没觉得

I'm not rising to it.

显然 豚鼠需要其它豚鼠陪伴

Apparently, guinea pigs need other guinea pigs

不然它们会孤独致死

or they can die of loneliness.

可希拉里从来不需要伴儿

But Hillary never needed a mate.

因为她备受关注

She got more than enough attention.

客人们喜欢她 总有人把她抱在腿上

The punters loved her. She was always on someone's lap.

她还有波宝 波宝从不会丢下她不管

And she had Boo, who never left her alone.

她们彼此爱慕

They adored each other.

那天早上 波宝男友告诉她

The morning Boo's boyfriend told her

他和别人上♥床♥了

he'd fuck

她从我身边径直走过

she walked right past me.

把希拉里从笼子里抱出来

Took Hillary out of her hutch

一起在后院坐了好久

and sat out the back with her for hours.

我给波宝和希拉里读过一个报纸上的故事

I once read a story from the paper to Boo and Hillary

小男孩在教室养仓鼠

about a little boy who repeatedly

他拿铅笔上的橡皮头

stuck rubber-ended pencils

不停地戳仓鼠的菊花

up the class hamster's asshole

因为他喜欢看仓鼠因震惊睁大双眼

'cause he liked it when their eyes popped out.

后来他被送到了少年训练营

He was sent to a juvenile boot camp.

我当笑话讲的 但是波宝却一脸担心

I read it out as a bit of a joke, really, but Boo was distraught.

"什么"

"What?

"把他送走了吗"

They sent him away?

"可是他需要帮助"

But, but he needs help."

她的思维经常让人目瞪口呆

She was a surprising person.

"是啊 他用铅笔操了一只仓鼠"

"Yeah, he pencil fucked a hamster.

"还能拿他怎么办"

I mean, what are you gonna do?"

"是啊 可是很明显他不快乐"

"Yeah, but he's obviously not happy.

"快乐的人不会干这种事"

Happy people don't do things like that."

"有道理"

"Fair point."

"但是 这就是"

"And, anyway, that's the very reason

"铅笔的末端安了橡皮的原因啊"

they put rubbers on the ends of pencils."

"你说啥

"What? Uh...

为了操仓鼠吗"

What, to fuck hamsters?"

"不 不是

"No! No.

那是因为

人会犯错"

people make mistakes."

但是现在 波宝走了

But now, Boo's gone.

咖啡店死气沉沉 没人来了

It's a death cafe, so no one comes in anymore.

希拉里在笼子里缩成一团

Hillary sits on her hutch like a lump.

盯着我

Staring at me.

我不知道该拿她怎么办

I don't know what to do with her.

六点钟

Six o'clock.

两个瑜伽女郎走进了咖啡店

Two yoga body girls come into the cafe

点了意大利调味饭

and order risotto off the menu.

我跑到乐购超♥市♥买♥♥了经济餐

I popped the Tesco

用微波炉加热

microwave their economy meal.

两个女孩在聊她们有多不想生孩子

The girls are talking about how they never wanna give birth

因为这会影响性生活

because the effect it'll have on their sex lives.

还是没有我姐的消息

Still haven't heard from my sister.

我在微波炉里放了一个空薯片袋子

I put an empty crisp packet in the microwave.

看着它变皱

Watch it shrivel.

玩了下手♥机♥

Play with my phone for a bit.

你好 我是波宝 我现在不能接电♥话♥

Hi, this is Boo. I can't come to the phone at the moment.

可以留言 我会回复

But leave a message and I'll get back to you.

真该有人取消这留言提示

Someone should probably disconnect that.

我开始给地铁遇到的啮齿男发短♥信♥

I start texting tube rodent.

我一遍又一遍地道歉

I apologize and apologize,

最后给他发了一张咪♥咪♥照片

and eventually sent him a picture of my tits.

他也给我回了一张

He sends me one back.

应该是他的鸡♥巴♥

I think it's of his cock.

我在哈利之前的那个男朋友

My boyfriend before Harry used to

经常让我发"小妹妹"的照片

make me send him pictures of my vagina,

不管我人在哪

wherever I was.

一天10或11次

Ten or eleven times a day.

我常常要冲进残障厕所

I used to go and have to lunge in a disabled toilet,

给我的"小妹妹"拍张好看的照片

take an attractive picture of my vagina,

这可不容易啊

which isn't easy on the whole.

特别是他要求仰视的角度

Especially as he always wanted the worm's eye view.

照片看起来有点像

It often looks a bit like

有人掉了一个小面包卷

someone had dropped a

侧面朝上

on

它还刚好掉在理发店的地上

on the floor of a hairdresser's.

然后有人给它拍了张照片

Then taking a photo of it.

在一个美丽的早晨

One tempting morning,

他让我把我最喜欢的身体部位拍给他看

he asked me to send him pictures of my favorite bits of my body.

我走进残障厕所

I go to the disabled loo.

天啊 太辣了 再来一张

Oh, that is so hot. Send another one,

你个让人热血沸腾的婊♥子♥

you beautiful bitch.

然后再说点下流话

Now, say something so dirty you'll shock yourself.

再发一张

Send me another picture.

爽 我要♥射♥了♥

Oh, god, I'm wanking.

太累人了 但是不得不拍

It exhausted me, but you gotta do it.

不能让他看别人的

Can't have them looking elsewhere.

老板敲厕所门

The boss banged on the disabled loo door.

那是我早上第四次上厕所

It was my fourth visit that morning.

"一切好吗"

"Um, is everything all right in there?"

他是澳大利亚人

He's Australian.

"没事"

"Uh, yeah.

"那啥 我得膀胱炎了"

I've, I've got cystitis."

"不是吧 你个小可怜

"Oh, no, you poor chickadee.

我老婆好像也得这个病了

Oh, I wonder if my wife gets that all the time.

你得喝点红莓汁

Cranberry juice, that's what you need.

多喝点 要我帮你去餐厅拿点吗

Buckets of it. Shall I get you some from the canteen?

要吗

Huh?

人呢

Hello?

你在哭吗"

Are you crying?"

我决定不再脱毛了

I'm gonna stop waxing.

有一次我碰到一个男的说

I met a man once

与其说是说的 不如说他用喊的

I say said, it's more of a yell, really.

他非常喜欢茂密的"灌木丛"

How much he loved a full bush.

他说现在都不常见了

And how rare they are these days.

虽然当时不太适合聊这个

Even though it was inappropriate, at the time,

他是我妈葬礼上的亲友

a family friend at Mom's funeral.

这也让我感觉到了什么

It filled me up with something.

希望

Hope.

安慰

Relief.

我也说不清

I don't know.

我天生没这些感觉

Can't bring myself to actually grow one.

我给啮齿男打电♥话♥

I called tube rodent.

他带了一瓶酒来到咖啡店

He comes to the cafe with a bottle of wine.

我们把酒喝了 他低声对我说

We drink it. He whispers

"我的小♥弟♥弟♥特别大"

"I have an enormous penis."

我说

"真的吗"

"Really?"

他说

"真的"

"Yeah."

我说

"那你撞大运了

"Well, that's lucky.

我的小妹妹也很大"

Because I have an enormous vagina."

他说

"牛逼"

"Awesome."

我们在柜台后面做♥爱♥

We fucked behind the counter.

他骨瘦如柴 到处都是棱角

He's very bony, all corners.

就像在和量角器做♥爱♥

It's like having sex with a protractor.

他没有高♥潮♥

He doesn't cum.

他说我太紧张了 我也不懂他啥意思

Says I'm being too intense, whatever that means.

我们把灯关了 屋里很黑

We turn the lights off, so it's quite dark now.

他穿上裤子 找他的手♥机♥

He's pulling on his trousers, trying to find his phone,

准备问问他朋友要不要出来玩

see if his friends are going out later.

他戴了一条有紫色印花的粉色围巾

He's wearing this pink and purply paisley scarf.

打扮得像个女士

He looks like a lady.

他跳到窗户旁边

He hops over to the window,

靠在窗台上

leans on the sill,

打开了手♥机♥ 然后他尖叫起来

turns his phone on, then he screams.

非常大声

Really high-pitched.

他手♥机♥的光照在希拉里的眼睛上

The light from his phone had made

在黑暗中映出红色

Hillary's eyes flash red in the darkness.

一定是在我们做♥爱♥的时候

She must have wandered over

她悄悄爬过去了

to the window when we were having sex.

那下 我被他的反应整笑了

For a second, I laugh at his reaction.

但是她动了 他又开始尖叫

But she moved and he screams again.

她往我这边跑 但是她太紧张了

She tries to run towards me, but panics,

就从边上滑下来了

and sort of slips off the side.

她肚子着地 挣扎了一下

She lands on her stomach and struggles a bit.

但是啮齿男看到红光 踢了她一脚

But tube rodent sees red and kicks her.

她砰地一声撞在墙上

She flies against the wall with a thud.

他凝视着地上的一团毛

He just stares at the furry pile on the floor.

然后那团毛开始抽搐

But she twitches.

他又跳起来踢了她一脚

It makes him jump and he kicks her again,

她在地板上飞了过去

and she goes flying across the floor.

我动弹不得

I can't move.

我想起波宝

I think about Boo.

想起她们俩一起玩

I think about them playing together.

啮齿男惊慌失措

Tube rodent's panicking

嘟囔着说他有什么老鼠恐惧症

mumbling something about a rat phobia.

我让他走 他就消失了

I tell him he can go and he disappeared.

希拉里面部朝下 背对着我

Hillary's on her front, but her back is to me.

她看起来就像

She looks

毛茸茸的子弹

a furry bullet.

她还活着 但是

She's still alive,

我把她放回笼子里 坐了一会

I put her back in her hutch and we sit for a bit.

然后我给那个干我菊花的人发短♥信♥

I text asshole guy.

他回信息 说他有女朋友

He gets back, saying he's got a girlfriend

那天晚上喝醉了

who was really drunk the other night,

他可以出去玩但是不做♥爱♥

would love to hang out in a non-sex way.

他很抱歉让我误会了

Sorry if he led me on.

我给前男友发了一张小妹妹的照片

I sent my ex a picture of my vagina.

还给哈利发了一张小妹妹的照片

I sent Harry a picture of my vagina.

给莉莉发短♥信♥ 还是没有我姐的消息

I text Lily. Still nothing from my sister.

希拉里不动了

Hillary's not moving.

你好 我是波宝 我现在不能接电♥话♥

Hi, this is Boo. I can't come to the phone at the moment.

留下消息 我会回复

But leave a message and I'll get back to you.

希拉里发出了痛苦的叫声

Hillary's making this horrible chattering noise.

我把她从笼子里拿出来

I take her out of her hutch,

放在大腿上 轻轻拍她

put her on my lap, stroke her.

她还是继续叫

She doesn't stop.

我把她放回去

I put her back.

我去了兔子和温斯洛酒吧

I go to the Rabbit and Winslow pub.

我在外面抽烟 门口有三个人在笑

I smoke outside. There were three people laughing by the door.

在人群中 我一下就认出那白色的头发

I can just make out the white hair

还有那条背带裤

and the braces through the crowd.

我能听到他的声音

I can hear him.

有人让他拿着尤克里里上台

Someone's let him on stage with his ukulele.

他在唱他的歌♥